Passive Aggression

In this posting I want to investigate the harm caused by passive aggression. However there can also be some benefits of passive aggression and these benefits must be weighed against any harm. In a previous posting I argued that rudeness is harmful because it damages civil discourse. I will attempt to show here that passive aggression is a form of rudeness and as a result damages discourse. I will conclude that in most circumstance any benefits of passive aggression are outweighed by the damage it does to civil discourse. Before commencing my investigation I will examine what is meant by passive aggression and the sort of circumstances in which it might be useful and why.

What is meant by passive aggression? According to Rebecca Roach passive aggression “is an expression of hostility, resentment, contempt, etc, that are indirect.” Hostility, resentment and contempt are all related to anger but it is important to note that acting with passive aggression is not the same as expressing anger. Perhaps passive aggression is a means of expressing repressed anger. Someone’s expression of anger sometimes is also an attempt to elicit a response from those who have angered him. Anger is connected to conflict. Passive aggression tries to avoid conflict by limiting action. Pure anger is an emotion requiring no reflection whilst the passive aggressor has to reflect on how he is going to react. Of course passive aggression might be a manifestation of anger which is an emotion but passive aggression remains a response to an emotion rather than the emotion itself. Roach defines passive aggression as an expression of hostility, resentment and contempt. It might then be argued that because hostility, resentment and contempt are emotions that passive aggression is really a second order emotion and that I am wrong to suggest otherwise. I would reject this argument by suggesting even if hostility, resentment and contempt are emotion passive aggression remains a reaction to these emotions rather than a higher order emotion. Someone can be unemotional when reacting with passive aggression. Lastly I will assume that passive aggression must be verbal because otherwise sullenness could be regarded as a form of passive aggression. Some might disagree with the last point but I won’t pursue it further here.

In what sort of circumstances is passive aggression usually employed? I would suggest that these circumstances fall into two broad sets. Firstly passive aggression is often employed when there is an asymmetry of power making the expression of anger difficult.  For instance an office worker might employ passive aggression towards his tyrannical boss. In these circumstances passive aggression is used because civil discourse appears to be impossible. Secondly passive aggression might be employed by someone who wishes to limit the damage full scale confrontation might do to relationships but also wishes to register his displeasure about someone else’s behaviour. These relationships are usually close relationships. For instance Andrew’s partner Bernice fails to attend Andrew’s sister Clair’s wedding due to some prior commitment. At a later date Clair says he can’t attend the christening of Andrew and Bernice’s baby due to another prior engagement. However had Bernice attended Clair’s wedding then Clair would have been pleased to attend the christening. Clair wishes to register him displeasure whilst at the same time avoiding a family row.

What harm does passive aggression cause? I will now argue that passive aggression harms us in three ways. Firstly I have suggested above that passive aggression is connected to hostility, resentment and contempt. These are harmful emotions. By seeking to avoid conflict passive aggression doesn’t address the issues underlying these emotions resulting in these issues remaining unresolved and the associated harmful emotions retained to some degree. It follows that passive aggression is harmful. Secondly it might be argued that expressing anger sends a message to someone that something is wrong. Repressed anger muddles the message. Expressing anger also focusses our attention on addressing the wrong. Repressed would seem to be less effective in doing so. However when there is an asymmetry of power even the expression controlled anger is difficult. It might then be argued that in these circumstance even if we can’t overtly express our anger that passive aggression enables us to do so covertly. It follows that if passive aggression is the covert expression of our underlying anger that expressing it might be of some limited benefit to us by permitting some limited venting of our feelings. Thirdly it might be argued that passive aggression might harm some people by causing a sense of a loss of agency because they are unable to directly express themselves. In response I would suggest that an asymmetry of power might causes someone feel a loss of a sense of agency and that passive aggression might benefit someone by restoring a limited sense of agency. Some sense of agency, even a limited one, might benefit us more than simply adopting a sullen attitude.

I have argued that passive aggression harms us because it fails to address underlying issues which means we retain harmful emotions, it fails to fully address the perceived wrong and damages agency. I then suggested that the harm of passive aggression might be counterbalanced by allowing us to covertly vent our anger leading to a reduction in the harmful emotions we are experiencing and restore a limited sense of agency. It follows that on balance passive aggression might benefit us. I now want to argue that passive aggression harms us in another way by damaging civil discourse. First I will argue that passive aggression is an indirect form of rudeness. Secondly I will argue that rudeness damages discourse which causes harm.

What do we mean by rudeness? In a previous posting I defined rudeness as someone knowingly not considering the needs, views and wishes of another and at the time of this inconsideration the other being aware of this inconsideration, see wooler.scottus . If we adopt this definition then it isn’t immediately obvious than passive aggression is a form of rudeness. After all passive aggression is triggered by the views and wishes of others. However even if passive aggression is triggered by the views and wishes of others it isn’t concerned with their needs. Passive aggression is only concerned the views and wishes of others in a limited way, it is only concerned with the perceived wrongness of these views. It follows that someone expressing passive aggression fails to properly consider the needs, views and wishes of the person the aggression is directed at. Must someone at whom the aggression is aimed at be aware of the aggression? It might be suggested that passive aggression is an indirect way of expressing hostility, resentment and contempt those who the aggression is aimed need not be aware of it. If this is so then passive aggression is simply a private venting of feelings. I would reject the above suggestion as passive aggression is only indirect aggression because the person expressing the aggression is aware that the person at whom the aggression is aimed is aware of it. Passive aggression is a way of making someone aware of your dissatisfaction with his behaviour whilst at the same time trying to limit the damage done to your relationship with him. In light of the above passive aggression seems to be a form of rudeness.

I now want to briefly argue that rudeness harms someone by damaging civil discourse. It might be argued that rudeness benefits the rude person by enabling him to freely express his true feelings free from the fetters of politeness. It might even be suggested that the free expression of feelings means rudeness is connected to honesty, I would reject this second suggestion because the focus of the rude person is partial and by knowingly ignoring the views of others he might deprive himself of further knowledge of the situation and increase the possibility of self-deception. However let us accept that rudeness can benefit the rude person by simply allowing the unfettered expression of his feelings. Unfortunately rudeness also involves an inattention to the views of others and as a result damages discussion by shifting the focus of our attention from the issues involved to the tone of the discourse. Rudeness means we talk at each other rather than engage in a meaningful civil discussion and fail to address the underlying long term issues. Let us accept that civil discourse promotes the meaningful discussion of difficult issues which benefits individuals. The pleasure of rudeness is short lived whilst the resolution of difficult issues matters in the long term. Issues that aren’t fully addressed can cause long term harm. It follows that the short term pleasure of rudeness is outweighed by the long term damage it does to individuals by a failure to address difficult issues. It further follows that if passive aggression is a form of rudeness it harms us by damaging discourse

It might be objected that in some circumstances civil discourse isn’t possible. For instance if someone has a tyrannical employer then he might be unable to engage in civil discourse about his grievances. In other circumstances someone’s extreme sensitivity might make it difficult for others to engage in meaningful discourse with him. In circumstances like these the pleasure of passive aggression cannot be outweighed by the harm done to civil discourse because civil discourse isn’t possible. Whilst being passively aggressive makes no sense to the powerful it makes perfect sense to the powerless. It follows that passive aggression might benefit some people in some circumstances.

The above conclusion depends on the premise that in some circumstances meaningful civil discourse is impossible. Let us accept this premise. However even if we accept the premise if the above conclusion is to be useful we must define these circumstance more rigidly. I argued above these circumstances in which passive aggression might be useful fall into two broad groups. Let us consider the first of these groups in which there is an asymmetry of power. In a totalitarian regime such as Stalinist Russia discourse about the regime’s policies is impossible and passive aggression might be justified. Jokes at the regime’s expense might be regarded as a form of passive aggression. However I would suggest that in most circumstances where there is an asymmetry of power civil discourse isn’t impossible but merely difficult. I would further suggest that just because civil discourse is difficult we shouldn’t abandon it and fall back on passive aggression to relieve our negative feelings. If we simply use passive aggression then we might be accused of taking the easy option, mental laziness or being lacking in courage. We might also be accused of failing to address the underlying issues which are the cause our passive aggression. How might we engage in civil discourse when there is an asymmetry of power? I would argue that this can be done in two ways. Firstly we should ask those we are aggrieved with simply to confirm what we are aggrieved about. This allows us to be sure our grievance is justified and may also alert those who aggrieve us to the fact that we are aggrieved in a non-confrontational way. Secondly we should ask those who aggrieve us why they are acting this way. We ask them to justify their actions again in a non-confrontational way. This might make those who aggrieve us reflect on their actions. It might also give us reason to question our negative feelings. I have argued elsewhere that such questioning can be repeated, see civil discourse . However all conversations come to an end and if the underlying issues cannot be resolved we should end the conversation by asking the person who has aggrieved us does he really ‘mean that’. It follows in most cases when there is an asymmetry of power civil discourse is possible even it is difficult. It further follows that because passive aggression damages civil discourse that we should try to avoid acting this way. Let us now consider the second group of circumstances in which passive aggression is often employed. These are when someone who wishes to limit the damage full scale confrontation does to close relationships whilst at the same time registering him displeasure. In these circumstances someone tries to limit the damage by avoiding the full expression of his anger. However repressing anger doesn’t eliminate it and it might manifest itself latter. I now want to argue that if when we are aggrieved if we adopt the strategy outlined above of asking for confirmation and then for further explanation then we shouldn’t do any greater harm to relationships than we would by the use of passive aggression. Firstly by simply asking someone to confirm something that aggrieves us might be slightly annoying but doesn’t seem to be confrontational. Secondly asking someone for an explanation might be confrontational to some degree but no more so than employing passive aggression. It would appear that asking for confirmation and explanation is no more confrontational than passive aggression but has the additional benefit of addressing the underlying issues rather than postponing discussion of them.

I have argued that passive aggression damages civil discourse. I also argued that except in exceptional circumstances discourse is possible when conducted carefully. I further argued that even if discourse is difficult it is better to try and engage in meaningful discourse rather than react with passive aggression because discourse helps resolve contentious issues whilst passively aggressive merely postpones addressing them. Lastly I argued that the use of passive aggression is a lazy way of dealing with contentious issues. It follows that except in very limited circumstances we should avoid the use of passive aggression.