In his
book on grief (1) Michael Cholbi argues that in the long term it is good to
grieve. He concludes that grief serves a useful purpose. This is an excellent
book and I recommend it to anyone interested in the topic. In this posting I
will outline Cholbi’s arguments before moving on to offer an alternative as to
why it is good to be able to grieve.
Cholbi
argues that grief is paradoxical. He points out that grieving is painful and
even harms us for no apparent benefit yet we would recommend others0 to grieve.
Surgery hurts us but in the long term benefits us but the same doesn’t appear
to be true of grief. Cholbi uses two examples to make his point. First he considers
C S Lewis who terribly tormented by the death of his wife Joy. He then
considers a fictional example. He considers Meursault in the book ‘The
Stranger’ by Camus who remains completely emotionally indifferent to the death
of his mother. Cholbi argues that the paradox of grief arises because we want
to recommend Lewis’ torment rather than Meursault’s indifference whilst
apparently having no reasons to do so. A Stoic might argue that we don’t have
any reasons and commend Meursault’s indifference.
I will
now outline Chobi’s reason for recommending Lewis’ torment before moving on to
offer an alternative explanation. He points out that grief is a collection of
negative emotions on the death of another. However this other can’t be anyone
it must be someone who is close to us. Following Korsgaard he argues that those
who are close to us help form our practical identity. It follows that the death
of someone close to us damages our practical identity. Moods might be
purposeless but emotions aren’t. Let us accept that purpose of emotions is to
hold our attention on something important, see for instance Michael Brady. (2) Cholbi
argues that the purpose of grief is to hold our attention on reshaping our
relationship with the deceased and that this also involves reshaping our
practical identity. He suggests that the grieving person needn’t be consciously
aware of the purpose of his grief.
I
agree with Cholbi that our practical identity is connected to grief. What we
love is connected to our practical identity and I will now argue that grief is
an unwanted consequence of our capacity to love. Before proceeding I must make
it clear what I mean by love. To love doesn’t simply mean romantic love but to
care about something as defined by Harry Frankfurt. According to Frankfurt love
isn’t simply an emotion but a matter of the will. There seem to be three
important features of ‘caring about’ or love so defined. First love makes the
lover vulnerable to the fortune and fate of the loved one. If I appear to love
someone or something and it is harmed and I remain indifferent, as Meursault
did, then my love isn’t real. Secondly love must have persistence. IF I appear
to love someone or something and five minutes later become indifferent to its
fate thenonce again my love isn’t real. Of course love may fade over time, it
needn’t be permanent, but it must have some persistence. Lastly love must
motivate action. If I appear to love something but fail to act to prevent harm
to the loved one when it is in my power to do so then once again my love isn’t
real.
I now
want to argue that our personal or practical identity can be defined by what we
love. Someone whose actions are only guided by his emotions might be classed as
a wanton because his life has no direction due to emotions having no
persistence. Such a person doesn’t have a practical identity. If someone’s has
a practical identity, rather than being a wanton, then his life must have some
consistency and if this consistency cannot be achieved by his emotions then
this might be done by his values or ideals. Our ideals and values have
persistence, compel us to act and when our ideals are damaged we are damaged.
It follows our values are determined by what we love or ‘care about’ and if our
practical is defined by our ideals and values then our practical identity is
defined by what we love.
If we
accept this concept of practical identity then the paradox of grief disappears.
Let us recall that the paradox of grief contends that grief is painful and even
harms us for no apparent benefit yet we would recommend it to others in the
right circumstances. Cholbi resolves the paradox by arguing that grief does
have a purpose and it benefits us. However if we accept Frankfurt’s ideas on
practical identity then if we love someone who dies we are harmed and this harm
persists because of love’s persistence. If someone we love dies then grief is
inevitable and it makes no sense to recommend the inevitable. The late Queen
Elizabeth was right when she said grief is the price we pay for love. The
paradox of grief is an illusion.
There
are differences in our attitude to grief depending on whether we see grief as
having a purpose or being an unwanted consequence of our capacity to love.
Cholbi uses a thought experiment to illustrate the paradox. He imagines a
situation in which a pill, which is completely safe to use becomes available,
which takes away our grief. He argues that we shouldn’t take the pill as grief
serves a useful purpose. However if grief is an unwanted side effect of our
capacity to love we should. Caution is needed here. If such a pill only took
away our grief then we should take it but if it also damaged our capacity to
love we shouldn’t. Damaging our capacity to love would harm us. It is good to
be the sort of person with a disposition to love even if this means we will
sometimes grief and that this grieving will harm us. It seems possible to me
that seeking to limit their capacity to grieve stoics limit their disposition
to love, see Why I'm
not a Stoic
I now
want to briefly consider some of the consequences of accepting that grief is
simply an unwanted consequence of our disposition to love. It seems if we
accept this account then because we can love a great variety of things that we
must also be able to grieve for a great variety of things and that some of
these things aren’t persons or even living. Someone might love other people,
dogs, a way of life and even a landscape or particular building. Does it make
sense to say we can grieve for the last
things? Old people who live alone can become very attached to dogs and
it is sensible to say that they grieve on their loss. It also seems to say someone
can grief for a lost way of life, perhaps a new city dweller night grieve for
his former existence. Lastly in some circumstances it makes sense to say
someone can grieve for a building, perhaps the Dean of some ancient cathedral
might grieve for it if it was burnt down. If we accept that we can grieve for a
wide variety of things then this suggests grief is connected to love.
In the
light of the above we might ask whether only humans can grieve. Can some
animals grieve? Some might suggest a dog can grieve for their deceased owner
and elephants appear to grieve for a dead herd member. Whether animals can
experience a primitive form of grief or just exhibit grief like behaviour is an
interesting question but the answer to it gives us some pointers to the nature
of grief. Let us assume that no animal has a practical self. It follows if
animals can grieve that the purpose of grief cannot solely be to reshape our
practical identity.
I have
argued that grief is an unwanted consequence of our capacity to love. I now
want to row back a bit. Let us accept that grief is an unwanted consequence of
our capacity to love and that it is unavoidable. Let us also agree with Cholbi
that grief is connected to our practical identity. However I will still
maintain that we cannot recommend grief to others. Let us further accept that
most human beings ‘care about’ or love many things and that when we act we must
be able to prioritise or rank these things, if we couldn’t our lives would be
lives of inaction or chaos. Lastly let us also accept the things we love, ‘care
about’, together with how we prioritise these things shapes our practical
identity. If we lose one of the things we
love we should try to reshape our practical identity to reflect the change in
reality. The bundle of emotions we experience during grief unconsciously draws
out attention to the need to reshape our relationship with the deceases and our
identity. These emotions are unavoidable and a failure to grieve involves a
failure to love in the first place. Let us return to Camus’ Meursault.
Meursault failed to grieve for his mother because he didn’t love her. Moreover
it would be pointless suggesting to Meursault that he should grieve for his
mother as this would require him coming to love her. People can’t simply come
to love someone or something because they want to especially in retrospect.
Coming to love is a natural process and cannot be willed. It follows that we
have no reason to recommend grief to others and that the paradox of grief is an
illusion. Nonetheless even if we have no reason to recommend grief to others we
do have a reason to recommend that they lead a life which makes grief
inevitable in the appropriate circumstances.
Even
if the above is interesting does it have any practical consequences? First I
would that grief counsellor’s should help the bereaved slowly overcome their
grief by helping them reshape their identity. They should focus on how the
changed relationship between the deceased and the bereaved requires that the
latter needs to reshape her relationship with the deceased and by doing so her practical
identity. Secondly it suggests that a stoic by seeking to eliminate her grief
deprives herself of a useful tool which helps her maintain her focus on the
need to reshape her practical identity. A reason to be wary of fully blown
stoicism, see why I'm
not a stoic . Lastly and somewhat controversially becausr people
with autism have problems with empathy do they also have problems with grief?
1.Michael Cholbi, 2022, Grief: A
Philosophical Guide, Harvad University Press.
2. Michael Brady, 2016,Emotional Insight: The
Epistemic Role of Emotional Experience, Oxford University Press.