Parenting and Excessive Guidance

Phillip Larkin had a bleak view of parents.

‘They fuck you up your mum and dad and give you all the faults they had’

Dov Fox also paints a bleak picture of modern parenting (1). He argues when rearing children parents have a duty to do two things. They have a duty to guide their children, e.g. educate them. They also have a duty to accept them for what they are, e.g. love them. This latter duty means the aspirations of our children impose limits on what we may will for them. There is a tension between these two duties and parents should attempt to balance them. Parental attention deficit disorder occurs when parents do not get this balance correct. Fox points out modern parenting pays too much attention to guidance as opposed to acceptance. It is important to note too much attention can also be paid to acceptance. James Flynn argues that, in part, the gap in the IQ of black and other children may be due excessive acceptance rather than genetic factors (2). However in this posting I want to examine Fox’s point concerning excessive guidance.

Initially parents don’t guide their children. Parents should simply accept, love and nurture them. As a child starts to develop her parents should start to guide her. The emphasis on guidance will grow as the child develops. Perhaps as children become teenagers the balance between guidance and acceptance will shift again with greater emphasis again being placed on acceptance. I agree with Fox that excessive guidance is a bad thing and that parents who give excessive guidance act badly even if their motives are good. However excessive guidance need not always involve good motives and some parents substitute their own motives in place of their children, see substitute success syndrome in (3). The question to be addressed is this if we must guide our children at what stage does good guidance become excessive guidance? I will examine this question, as Fox does, by firstly considering pre natal and secondly post natal guidance.

There may be various forms of pre natal guidance. I will only examine genetic enhancement as I believe my comments on genetic enhancement apply equally to other forms of pre natal guidance. Fox argues that genetic enhancement is unwelcome but not because natural genetic combination is superior to an engineered combination of genes.

‘My argument, to be clear, is not that the randomness of genetic recombination is a moral good in itself.’ (4)

What is wrong with an engineered combination of genes according to Fox is as follows.

‘Rather, it is because genetic engineering is the ultimate manifestation of the triumph of excessive parental guidance that has become all too familiar in our time’ (5).

It might be questioned whether genetic engineering is a form of parental guidance. It is certainly a form of choosing some of the characteristics of an unborn child, perhaps a child that has yet to be conceived, but is choosing a form of guidance? It seems to me that guidance requires something to guide, in this context an existing child. Moreover it seems that, provided a child has a life that is worth living, genetic enhancement does no harm that child. An un-enhanced child would be a different child. An interesting discussion of this issue is found in ‘Parfit (6). It appears to follow that genetic engineering is not the ultimate manifestation of the triumph of excessive parental guidance as Fox argues. Parents may use genetic engineering to choose the kind of children they will have; this choosing is not guidance of any sort. Nonetheless Fox might give a second closely related reason as to why genetic engineering should be discouraged. He might argue even if genetic engineering is not a form of excessive guidance that parents who genetically engineer their children are more likely to excessively guide their children in later life. It might then be further argued for this reason genetic engineering should be discouraged. However even if parents who might genetically engineer their children were discouraged from doing so it does not automatically follow that these parents would be any less likely to excessively guide any children they might have. I accept genetic engineering should be discouraged if it can be shown that it encourages excessive parental guidance. However it seems to me that parents who excessively guide their children would continue to do so even if they were discouraged from genetic enhancement. The reasons, why parents might excessively guide children, lies in the parent’s own psychological makeup rather than whether they are able to genetically engineer their children’s future. The above suggests that Fox is wrong to believe there are reasons based on excessive parental guidance to discourage the genetic enhancement of children. Accepting my argument of course does not mean that genetic engineering is desirable. I agree with Fox when he states

‘Parental attention calls for moral scepticism towards the potential worth of those characteristics parents would seek to target for enhancement or eradication’ (7).

However my scepticism is not based on parental deficit disorder.

Fox approaches post natal enhancement in connection with excessive guidance as follows.

‘The parental attention approach suggests that certain enhancements – practices that aim to modify human form or functioning beyond what is required to sustain good health or restore the normal workings of the human mind and body – call for careful reflection into parental attitudes, depending on the particulars of the child’  (8).

The best way to achieve these ends would usually be to accept the child for what she is. However as Fox points out in certain contexts some interventions are morally required, for instance the removal of a child from a toxic environment caused by lead paint. Such interventions are acceptable even if these cause profound changes in the child’s personality. Fox would regard any intervention which changes a child’s personality but leads to normal functioning as acceptable, perhaps even mandatory. Fox would regard any other intervention which changes a child’s personality as unacceptable. It would seem Fox adopts a similar approach to parental guidance. Any guidance beyond that needed to maintain a child’s normal physical and mental health would be regarded by him as excessive. Moreover he thinks parents should simply accept the personality of a normal child and not attempt to change her personality by any guidance. The trouble with this approach is how to define normal. For instance is the prescription of Ritalin to a child for ADHD a means of aiding the child’s mind to function normally or a failure to accept the child as she is? One way to deal with this problem might be to consider any intervention as undesirable which would impede a child from developing and maintaining a conception of herself as the central character in her life story. It would seem Fox would endorse this approach (9). However it seems to me that excessive guidance does not necessarily destroy a child’s concept of herself as the central character in her own life. An excessively guided child might rationalise the changes brought about in her life in two ways. She may see her character as struggling to achieve these changes. She may see her character as struggling to accommodate these changes. In both of these scenarios her concept of herself as the central character in her life story remains in spite of the excessive parental guidance. However the above approach might be modified as follows. Any intervention would be undesirable if it would impede a child from developing and maintaining a conception of herself as the author, at least in part, of her life story.

This modified approach suggests if parents are to avoid excessive guidance they should accept the things their child sees as central to her life. The reason for this being the things a child sees as central to her life, the things she cares about, are the things she authors her life by. Authorship implies autonomy. It appears if this approach was adopted then parents should respect their child’s autonomy. If parents should respect a child’s autonomy it might also appear to strictly limit the guidance they should give to this child. I believe that this second appearance is illusory. It is generally accepted that people should respect other people’s autonomy. However children are not fully autonomous. Indeed at an early age children are not autonomous at all. A child’s autonomy develops as she matures. I believe good parenting requires that parents should assist their children become autonomous. The question I now wish to address is this, if it is accepted that parents should assist their children become autonomous, how does this affect the balance between accepting their children as they are and giving them guidance?

I have noted above when a child is very young her parents should simply love, nurture and accept her. As the child develops so her parent should start to guide her. Later on as the child starts to become autonomous her parents must again place greater emphasis on accepting her. The above suggests the balance between accepting a child and guiding her changes as the child matures. Good parenting calls for parents to be aware of this fact. It might be thought, if parents assist their children to become autonomous, that as these children mature the need for guidance shrinks dramatically. This is not so. Assisting children become autonomous is not simply achieved by giving more mature children ample choices and accepting these choices. According to Frankfurt,

‘With total freedom there can be no individual identity. This is because an excess of choice impairs the will.’ (10)

Being autonomous means an agent has ideals or something she cares about in order to let her make meaningful choices. It follows assisting children become autonomous involves parents both helping children obtain standards and ideals which permit them to make meaningful choices and the opportunity to make these choices. The process of helping children obtain standards and ideals of necessity involves guidance. It is impossible for a child, or any one else for that matter, to obtain a value simply by choosing randomly without some reference point. Any value obtained in this way is obtained wantonly. It follows if parents simply accept their children and fail to help them obtain some standards and ideals they risk that their children will behave wantonly as noted by Flynn above. Fox is right to note the dangers of excessive guidance but a lack of guidance also involves significant dangers. Competitive parenting of the kind noted by Fox and parenting in which parents seek to attain their own success through their children’s lives should be regarded as unacceptable. Good parenting involves some guidance even as a child matures. How should good parents approach this guidance? There is no algorithm for good parenting. It follows good parenting is akin to a craft that must be learnt in part by experience. It seems self evident that parents should bring good attitudes towards this learning experience. One such good attitude as suggested by Fox is to be aware of the need to balance acceptance and guidance. Another good attitude is to be aware this balance changes as the child matures. Lastly parents must reflect on the guidance they offer. I noted above when considering genetic enhancement Fox thinks parents should be morally sceptical towards these enhancements. I believe parents should adopt this sceptical attitude to any values they seek to inculcate in their children. Nevertheless a failure to inculcate any values in maturing children is a failure in parental attention. If such attitudes are adopted parents then parents should not ‘fuck up’ their children as Larkin suggests they do.

1.      Dov Fox, 2008, Parental Attention Deficit Disorder, Journal of Applied Philosophy 25(3)

2.      Flynn, 2008, Where Have All the Liberals Gone, Race Class and Ideals in America, Cambridge University Press.

3.      Michael Slote, 2007, The Ethics of Care and Empathy, Routledge, page 57.

4.      Fox, page 250.

5.      Fox, page 251.

6.      Parfit, 1984, Reasons and Persons, Oxford, section 122.

7.      Fox, page 248.

8.      Fox, page 252.

9.      Fox, page, 254.

10. Frankfurt, 1999, Necessity Volition and Love, Cambridge, page 110.

Autonomy and Caring Revisited

In this posting I want to examine whether an ethics based on empathic caring is possible and the relationship between empathic caring and Frankfurt’s ideas of ‘caring about’. Mackenzie and Leach Scully make the following two assumptions (1).

1.      There are no mental events without bodies.

2.      Imaginative prospective is based on personal experience.

I accept both of these assumptions. Mackenzie and Leach Scully then proceed to question whether because any system of morality, based on empathic or sympathetic caring, is possible because our empathic or sympathetic concerns are based on our own bodily experience. Intuitively Mackenzie and Leach seem to be correct for prima facie it seems hard for someone who is healthy and not disabled to imagine the prospective of someone who is in a wheelchair or suffers from dementia.

“The epistemic obstacles to imaging being another are so significant as to make this mode of imaginative engagement highly implausible as a basis for our capacity to morally engage with others.”(2)

They then proceed to argue due to these obstacles we should adopt an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity towards others. They define asymmetrical reciprocity as the recognition of the other as a person, with distinctive point of view shaped by that person’s history, social situation, life experiences and relationships with others. I accept these obstacles do indeed present significant barriers to a caring morality based on empathy or sympathy. Nonetheless I will argue even if we adopt an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity towards others that a caring morality is possible. However I will firstly argue these obstacles mean we must give greater importance to autonomy than some people who propose a caring morality, such as Gilligan and Slote, would favour.

Adopting an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity towards others means we must adopt an attitude of epistemic humility towards others according to Mackenzie and Leach Scully. This attitude means we cannot merely imagine ourselves in someone else’s shoes when trying to understand her attitudes towards events in her life. I will now argue if we adopt this attitude towards someone then we must respect her autonomous decisions. Adopting an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity towards someone is not the same as uncritically accepting her views for these views may be the result of coercion or delusion. Let it be assumed that the views of someone are not the product of delusion or coercion. Let it be further assumed we recognise these views but see no need to accept any actions that flow from these views even if these actions do not harm others. It seems clear that in this situation we do not have an attitude of epistemic humility. Indeed our attitude might be classed as arrogant. Moreover if we do not have an attitude of epistemic humility towards someone in these circumstances, which involves accepting her views and actions provided her actions do not harm others, then adopting an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity seems to serve no useful purpose. It follows if an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity is serve any useful purpose that provided an agent is un-deluded and is un-coerced we should adopt an attitude of epistemic humility towards her views and accept any actions that flow from these views that do not harm others. It follows if we do adopt an attitude of epistemic humility towards someone which involves accepting her views and the actions that flow from them that we of necessity must respect her autonomy.

In a previous posting I argued if I care about an adult in a purely empathic way I must care about what she cares about, rather than what I think might be in her best interests, see caring based solely on empathy . In what follows an adult means an un-deluded and un-coerced adult unless stated otherwise. Caring about such an adult in this way means I have adopted an attitude of epistemic humility towards her. I argued adopting an attitude of empathic caring has two important conditions for respecting someone’s autonomy. It follows these conditions also apply if I have an attitude of epistemic humility towards someone. Firstly even if I believe her best interests clash with her autonomy I must give precedence to respecting her autonomy over acting beneficently towards her. Secondly I must respect someone’s actual decisions rather than just her capacity for autonomy.

Many feminist and other philosophers who favour a caring ethic would find accepting these two conditions difficult. They would argue respecting autonomy does not automatically mean giving preference accepting autonomous decisions over acting in a caring manner, acting beneficently. A philosopher who favours a caring ethic might argue it is still possible to respect autonomy whilst not respecting all autonomous decisions. She might for instance argue one should respect someone’s capacity for autonomy rather than respecting all his autonomous decisions. This might involve helping people to develop the specific capacities needed for good reflective decision making and creating the conditions in which this type of decision-making can flourish. Michael Slote argues that respecting autonomy is like this and somewhat analogous to helping children to become fully independent (2). Let it be accepted that autonomy is simply defined as someone’s second-order capacity to reflect on her desires and to accept or change these desires in the light of her goals and values. Accepting such a definition means it might be possible to respect autonomy whilst not respecting all autonomous decisions. The trouble with accepting such a simple definition of autonomy is that there seems to be very little to differentiate autonomy from an individual’s capacity for practical reason. Using this definition means an autonomous action might be simply defined as the product of extra careful practical reasoning. It can be concluded such a concept of autonomy would be wholly instrumental.

It is usually accepted that autonomy has both intrinsic and instrumental value. I will now argue that to respect autonomy means one must respect the intrinsic value of autonomy and that this cannot be achieved by simply respecting someone’s capacity for autonomy. Harry Frankfurt believes the intrinsic value autonomy depends the recognition of us by others as the distinctive kind of creatures who can determine their own futures (3). It follows respecting the intrinsic value of someone’s autonomy might be defined as us accepting that she is the kind of creature capable of determining her own future. Let the above definition of respecting the intrinsic value of autonomy be accepted. Let it also be accepted that some of an agent’s autonomous decisions are respected and some are not. It follows that the agent is not recognised as someone who is capable of determining her own future and the intrinsic value of her autonomy is not respected. It might be objected that even if this argument is valid the first premise should be amended as follows. The intrinsic value of autonomy might be defined as accepting that someone is the kind of creature capable of only partially determining her own future. It might then be argued even if not all of an agent’s autonomous decisions are respected that nonetheless the intrinsic value of her autonomy might still be respected. However there are two problems with accepting this revised definition. Clearly if none of someone’s autonomous decisions are accepted then her autonomy is not the respected. This raises the practical problem about which of her decisions must be respected. Secondly children can partially determine their own future and are not recognised as fully autonomous creatures. For these reasons it seems the amended definition should be rejected and the original definition accepted. It follows that if an agent is not recognised as someone who is capable of determining her own future that the intrinsic value of her autonomy is not respected.

However feminist and other philosophers, who favour a caring ethic and find giving precedence to respecting someone’s autonomy over acting beneficently towards her, might argue we should only respect the instrumental value of her autonomy. This means helping people to develop the capacities needed for good decision-making and helping create the conditions in which this type of decision-making can flourish. I believe respecting autonomy cannot be simply reduced to respecting the instrumental value of autonomy for three reasons. Firstly someone who does not have her autonomous decisions respected might intuitively feel her autonomy was not being respected. Secondly Mackenzie and Leach Scully suggest we adopt an attitude of asymmetrical reciprocity towards others. It would seem impossible to adopt such an attitude if we fail to recognise the autonomous decisions of others. Indeed by not respecting someone’s autonomous decisions we might be classed as being exhibiting epistemic over-confidence rather than epistemic humility for instead of listening to the needs of others as perceived by them we substitute the needs we perceive them to need. Lastly if we only respect the instrumental value of autonomy it might be questioned if the concept of autonomy plays any useful part in determining our actions for as I argued above respecting our instrumental autonomy seems to differ little from respecting practical rationality. It follows if we regard autonomy simply as instrumental autonomy that we have no use for the concept of autonomy.

I have argued if we adopt an attitude of epistemic humility towards others we must respect their autonomous decisions. It might then be further argued that adopting an attitude of epistemic humility towards others means we are unable to act beneficently towards them. This second argument depends on the assumption that because we cannot imagine ourselves in someone else’s shoes we cannot understand her true interests. Accepting this second argument would of course mean any caring ethic is meaningless. Moreover because someone’s interests are unrecognisable to us respecting her autonomy might also become impossible. In order to examine this second argument we must consider the assumption that because we cannot imagine ourselves in someone else’s shoes we cannot understand her interests. Let us examine a particular case. Consider a soldier who has been returned from the war in Afghanistan after losing both his legs. It seems to me that adopting an attitude of epistemic humility towards him does not mean we cannot understand most of his interests. We can understand his sense of grief at the loss of a friend or at a more mundane level his hunger. It might then be questioned if we understand his needs whether an attitude of epistemic humility is indeed the correct attitude to adopt towards such a soldier. I believe an attitude of epistemic humility is the correct attitude to adopt because even if, we can understand most of his interests, we cannot understand the priorities he gives to these interests. For instance if I was a colleague of this soldier we both may have given a high priority to physical fitness and a low priority to learning in the past. However the soldier’s priorities may now have now changed due to the loss of his legs whilst mine remain the same. It seems possible to conclude using this example that the epistemic obstacles to imaging being another are not that we are unable to understand another’s interests but rather that we are unable to understand the priorities she gives these interests. Accepting the above conclusion means adopting an attitude of epistemic humility towards others does not mean we are unable to act beneficently towards them. It can be further concluded the obstacles raised by adopting an attitude of epistemic humility towards others do not present significant barriers to a caring morality based on empathy or sympathy.

1.      Mackenzie, Leach, Scully, 2007,Moral imagination, Disability and Embodiment; Journal of Applied Philosophy, 24(4)

2.      Michael Slote, 2007, The Ethics of Care and Empathy, Routledge, page 60.

3.      Harry Frankfurt, 1999, Necessity, Volition, and Love, Cambridge University Press, page 163.